November 7th 2009

A baby missing for five days in Florida was found alive and well under her baby sitter's bed. Immediately after that, the baby said his first words: “We did it for the show!”

A baby missing for five days in Florida was found alive and well under her baby sitter's bed. Apparently, the new problem now is that every time a kid goes missing police looks up in the sky for a balloon.

President Obama hosted an event at the White House this week celebrating classical music. Unfortunately, the orchestra picked up the mood at the White House and played a requiem.

President Obama said during a speech that one day Malia got a 73 on her science test, but after he and Michelle sat down with her to talk about it, she improved and brought a 95 in the test. So if Michelle and Obama are so good, why don’t they sit down and have a chat with the members of congress.

A woman in Australia discovered right after she got married that she was allergic to her husband’s sperm. It is not that uncommon; it happens very often after getting married.

A woman in Australia discovered right after she got married that she was allergic to her husband’s sperm. It is not that uncommon; a lot of people are allergic to nuts.

There's a resort in Austria where you can swim in a pool of beer. And since it is light beer, you can also take a leak in the pool and nobody would notice the difference.

The Chinese government has approved construction of a Shanghai Disneyland. It’ll be quite similar to Disneyland in America; they only difference is that Goofy will be served in their restaurants.

A new study says that kissing may have developed as a way for a woman to build immunity from a virus called cytomegalovirus, which is present in saliva. In other news, Susan Boyle is suffering from cytomegalovirus.

A leaked copy of Palin’s victory speech had she won the 2009 elections surfaced this week. It reads: “nanana nanaaaana!”

Verne Troyer's, former girlfriend has gotten a temporary restraining order against him that prohibits him from being within 150 yards of her. And that in Verne’s measurements is like being in another state.

Lady Gaga says the ultimate accessory is a condom. And if you are going to go out with her, the second most important accessory is ear plugs.

Senate Democrats have blocked a GOP attempt to require next year's census forms to ask people whether they are a U.S. citizen. Apparently, Democrats were concerned that Obama may answer NO.

Senate Democrats have blocked a GOP attempt to require next year's census forms to ask people whether they are a U.S. citizen. Apparently, Democrats were concerned the population of California may turn out to be 2.

A Detroit UPS driver was fired for opening and refusing to deliver a package that contained four pounds of marijuana. No wonder the Detroit Lions didn’t do well in their last game.

November 5th 2009

A PGA golfer has tested positive for steroids. Authorities suspected there was something weird with him after he started using the golf club as a bat.

Today is the first anniversary of Obama’s presidency. It is weird; the only ones I saw celebrating last night were Republicans.

Some people at the White House say that Obama looks skinny because he’s skipping too many meals to run the country. He lost more than 40lbs… sorry; those are the points he lost in his approval ratings.

A picture of a very skinny Obama surfaced the web yesterday. It is nothing to be concerned; it was retouched by Ralph Lauren.

A picture of a very skinny Obama surfaced the web yesterday. Doctors suggested he should stop having lunch with Oprah.

A picture of a very skinny Obama surfaced the web yesterday. And today Republicans say that this is clear evidence he wasn’t born in this country.

Two terrorists in northern India were killed by a bear when they hid in its cave. And today Obama deployed Yogi Bear and Smokey the bear to Afghanistan.

New Zealand mayor provoked outrage by suggesting that government should pay 'problem parents' not to have children. If that includes Octomom and Jon & Kate, I’m willing to cheap in…

A man in Colorado stabbed himself just so he wouldn't have to go to work at blockbuster. I hope it catches on and the guy that recommended me “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” at my neighborhood Blockbuster does the same.

A Minneapolis woman will give birth to her first baby live on the internet. I have AOL. My connection is so slow, by the time I’m done with the delivery, the baby is going to be 5 years old.

A giant crack in Africa will create a new ocean. And today a confused Amy Winehouse bought tickets to Africa.

According to a recent study, almost 700 million people worldwide would move to another country. Still none of them is willing to go to Detroit.

Usain Bolt, the world's fastest man, adopted the world's fastest cat, a cheetah, as part of a conservation effort. And also as a training tool, as every morning he marinates his body and lets the cheetah chase him.

A man in England claims that he is allergic to his wife and breaks out in a rash whenever he goes near her. The disease is known in the medical arena as Clintonitis.

NASA will expose monkeys to daily radiation in order to better understand the effects of long space trips on humans. I can’t wait to see them throwing glowing poo at each other.

Virgin Atlantic launched an iPhone application to help people with fear of flying. It is called I-drink.

During an interview, Rhianna said that after she was assaulted by Chris Brown, she went to sleep as Rhianna and woke up as Britney Spears. Apparently, the beating affected her vocal chords.

November 4th 2009

Jessica Simpson said in a magazine that she loves intellectual men. Don’t feel discouraged; for Jessica, an intellectual man is someone like President Bush.

The official that decided to kick off the 2-year-old kid of a Southwest Airline might be disciplined by the company. Apparently, they are mad at him because he didn’t see the business opportunity to charge more for tickets located far away from the kid.

Kate Gosselin was ticketed for going 70 miles an hour in a 55-mile-an-hour zone. Apparently, she was speeding because she doesn’t want to miss the last seconds of her 15 minutes of fame.

Everybody is surprised because an American man won the New York City Marathon on Sunday. They shouldn’t be surprised; it is a clear sign that we’re becoming a third world country.

Mattel is coming out with a new gay Ken doll. How disappointed and bored is he going to be when he finds out that the original Ken doll doesn’t have anything under his clothes.

During an NBA game, Spurs player Manu Ginobili, swatted a bat out of the air with his bare hand and then handed it to a security personnel. “Woosy… he didn’t even bite it,” said Ozzy.

During an NBA game, Spurs player Manu Ginobili, swatted a bat out of the air with his bare hand and then handed it to a security personnel. And now PETA wants him charged with assault and BATtery.

NBA player Manu Ginobili had to be vaccinated for rabies. No, it wasn’t because he caught a bat during a game. Apparently, he shook hands with Lou Dobbs.

Some people at the White House say that Obama looks skinny because he’s skipping too many meals to run the country. And also because you know how difficult is it to find food tasters every single day?

Some people at the White House say that Obama looks skinny because he’s skipping too many meals to run the country. How ironic, the way he is running the country is making a lot of people skip several meals too.

The ABC affiliate in Washington is airing a special about breast self-exams during the fall "sweeps" period. It works for Fox News; they get huge ratings showing big boobs like Hannity and Glen Beck…

The U.S. dropped from sixth to ninth on this year's list of the most prosperous countries in the world. Things are not likely to change because when experts at the White House were asked about the drop, they giggled and said “Ha, from Six to Nine!!”

A company that is opening the first hotel in space says they already rented their first room for 2012. The room cost $4.4 million, but Republicans are willing to spend anything to hide Sarah Palin on Election Day.

The FAA has revoked the licenses of the pilots of the Northwest Airlines flight that overshot the Minneapolis Airport. They are not worried; they know they are going to make lots of money as cab drivers.

November 3rd 2009

A 2 year-old kid was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight before takeoff on Saturday because he was being too loud and cranky. Apparently, the airline was concerned the screams were gonna wake up the pilots.

Due to Fall Back, we turned the clock back one hour in the United States. So, technically, that means Conan O Brian took once again Leno’s spot.

On Sunday we gained one hour because of Fall Back. That’s relative, because I’m a Philly fan and I wasted the extra hour watching the 4th game of the series.

On Sunday we gained one hour because of Fall Back. Unfortunately, after Obama’s taxes, you’re lucky if you still have 10 minutes left.

Former US President Bill Clinton attended the unveiling of a statue of himself in Kosovo's capital Pristina. Now they just need to find a couple of chubby chicks to help get it erected…

During the unveiling of a statue of himself in Kosovo's capital Pristina, Bill Clinton thanked everybody and said that Hillary asked for a picture of him next to the statue. Of course, Hillary wants evidence that he was really in Kosovo and not at a strip joint somewhere in the world.

2,000 kids went trick or treating to the White House for Halloween. The kids were not happy; Obama forced them to leave 50% of the candies they had collected before they arrived.

“This Is It", the documentary about Michael Jackson, pulled in $101 million worldwide in its first five days. And today, Tito, Jermaine, and Joe Jackson announced a sequel called “This time I promise, this is really it!"”

The woman that wanted to trade sex for tickets to the World Series attended a game without having to have any sexual activity. Well, kind of, because she saw the entire game sitting on the flag pole at the stadium.

The woman that wanted to trade sex for tickets to the World Series is still catching some slack. Why? What do you think Kate Hudson has to do with A-Rod to get the tickets she gets for every game?

Joe Jackson said that Michael Jackson is “worth more dead than he was alive”. He would probably make the same amount of money dead or alive, but being dead prevents him from wasting any money on settlements.

A Zoo in the Gaza strip painted stripes on two donkeys to make them look like zebras because it is cheaper than getting real ones. They didn’t say anything, but apparently the giraffe is also two donkeys on top of each other.

A Zoo in the Gaza strip painted stripes on two donkeys to make them look like zebras because it is cheaper than getting real ones. Donkeys are good at transforming into other animals… Look at Lieberman; a donkey doing a great job acting like an elephant.

According to a new exhibition, an Indian doctor working in 600 B.C. might have been the world's first plastic surgeon. And his first patient? Joan Rivers.

An Indian man is suing the company Axe after he failed to land a single girlfriend during seven years of using their products. This is not the first time the company has been sued; there have been several fat women that bought the “chocolate” deodorant hoping their partners would turn into a Hershey bar.

The FAA has revoked the licenses of the pilots of the Northwest Airlines flight that overshot the Minneapolis Airport. They are not worried; they know they are going to make lots of money as cab drivers.

Boeing has chosen South Carolina as the location for its new factory to make the 787 jet. Mark Sandford already promised to test the first plane on a trip to Argentina.

Chaz Bono gave an interview to talk about her gender reassignment surgery. She turned 40 and just got a penis. It doesn’t make any sense to get a penis when you are 40, just when you are not going to use it that often anymore?

Jessica Simpson said in a magazine that she loves intellectual men. Don’t feel discouraged; for Jessica, an intellectual man is someone like President Bush.

President Obama's former campaign manager reveals in a new memoir that he believes Bill Clinton ruined Hillary's chances of becoming vice president, making it the first time in years that Bill screwed Hillary.

Ocotber 31st 2009

Today is Halloween; actually, for Republicans it was yesterday; what a scare they got when they saw the new health care reform bill!

Today is Halloween. If you don’t have money for a costume for your kids, just make them go trick or treating and sneezing on people as if they had swine flu.

Today is Halloween. I saw Obama’s daughters going around the White House asking for candies and dressed up as Fox news reporters.

Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge police Sergeant James Crowley were spotted at a pub in Cambridge Wednesday night. And today, Fox News started reporting that president Obama turned them into alcoholics.

Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge police Sergeant James Crowley were spotted at a pub in Cambridge Wednesday night. Apparently, they are planning to organize a beer Summit between Obama and Fox News.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. That’s great, now every time I spot a woman wearing one of those, I am going to pretend there’s a gas leak.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. Better be ready, because I’m going to start faking I got the swine flu all the time.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. Unfortunately, Nicole Richie’s bra looks more like a clown nose than a face mask.

A doctor in Chicago invented a brassiere that in an emergency can be turned into a pair of protective face masks. So, with Dolly Parton’s bra we can protect an entire football team.

Southwest Airlines announced one-way travel as low as $25 for travel up to 375 miles. But just like any cab driver, they‘ll do what pilots of the Northwest airlines did and keep you on the air for a while so you’ll have to pay more.

According to a recent survey conducted through the Intel Corporation, parents are more comfortable talking with their kids about drugs than about science and math. Apparently, the survey was conducted at a Phish concert.

According to a recent survey conducted through the Intel Corporation, parents are more comfortable talking with their kids about drugs than about science and math. You know how difficult it is to explain to kids the conversion from grams to ounces?

The House health care bill unveiled Thursday clocks in at 1,990 pages and about 400,000 words. It’d better offer a good plan for the optometrist.

There’s an online test that can determine if you're a racist by showing you photos of people of different races, and asks you to assign values, either positive or negative. Be careful… Lou Dobbs already punched and broke 5 computers while taking the test.

The chairman of the National Endowment for the Arts said President Obama "is the most powerful writer since Julius Caesar." Does it mean we are on our way to be like the Roman Empire and collapse?

The website X-17 Online says that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson broke up and Lindsay now has been seen with a man. Don’t get all happy that she is going straight, guys; the guy was Adam Lambert.

October 29th 2009

Kate Gosselin says she'd "love to be in a movie at some point." She would have been perfect in the movie Amelia, but in her case people would have rooted for her to get lost.

President Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker this week. It motivated a lot of people to become president, because if Bush could, everybody can.

A woman in Georgia scared off a burglar by getting on the floor and acting like a large dog. Unfortunately the other thief had a stick, tossed it while screaming: “catch it” and then ransacked the house.

Football analyst Bob Griese was suspended for making a racial comment about Juan Pablo Montoya. Not everything was bad news for Griese; CNN hired him to fill in for Lou Dobbs.

While presenting a trophy at a London Hotel, Amy Winehouse had a wardrobe malfunction. People got a look at her new boobs, and like always she also showed her crack.

A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets on craigslist. I know the tickets are expensive, but… come on A-Rod; get Kate Hudson some tickets.

A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets on craigslist. What’s wrong in exchanging a seat for a seat?

A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets on craigslist. Judging by her looks, she’d be lucky if she gets outfield tickets.

A woman in Philadelphia was arrested for offering sex in exchange for World Series tickets on craigslist. Police should let her go, because that would be the only chance someone from Philly would get to score during this series.

International wildlife experts said Tuesday that the world's tiger population is declining fast despite efforts to save them. This is really sad news, unless of course you are Roy Horn.
A new study found that oral herpes could lead to Alzheimer’s. No wonder Paris Hilton has such a hard time remembering the lyrics of her songs.

A new study found that oral herpes could lead to Alzheimer’s. How convenient; now when your wife asks you how you got it, you claim you can’t remember.
A new study found that oral herpes could lead to Alzheimer’s. I always knew my grandpa was a player!

October 27th 2009

The two pilots that sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination claimed they got distracted because they were having a discussion in the cockpit. Ironically, they were arguing about the new Amelia Earhart movie.

The two pilots that sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination claimed they overshot the Airport because they got distracted. Apparently, they were looking for balloon boy.

A Northwest Airlines plane, with more than 140 passengers onboard, sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination. The airline is investigating the case; they don’t know if they are going to charge the passengers an extra full ticket or only half for the 150 extra miles they were on the plane.

Some experts believe the reason the two pilots sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination was because they were napping in the cockpit. Authorities suspect they were sleeping because they were playing a Rob Schneider marathon on board.

Dallas police officers are ticketing drivers who don't speak English. That’s why every time Arnold Schwarzenegger visits Dallas; he does it with a chauffeur.

Dallas police officers are ticketing drivers who don't speak English. If Arnold Schwarzenegger does the same in California, he can definitely fix the state budget.

John McCain introduced a bill in the Senate that would allow Internet service providers to slow down or block Internet content or applications. Apparently, the senator will do anything to stop people from downloading his daughter’s latest picture.

John McCain introduced a bill in the Senate that would allow Internet service providers to slow down or block Internet content or applications. It is pretty ambitious of McCain who handwrote the bill, because he doesn’t know how to use a computer.

Swedish researchers say that if you want a long life you have to marry a well-educated woman. Why do you think Tony Romo broke up with Jessica Simpson. He would have died the next day after he married her.

Swedish researchers say that if you want a long life you have to marry a well-educated woman. Are you insane? A long life next to a woman that will remind you every day how dumb you are?

Swedish researchers say that if you want a long life you have to marry a well-educated woman. Poor Roman Polanski, he is not going live long, because he likes them with only elementary school education.

An Italian man transferred from prison to house arrest tried to get himself locked up again to avoid being with his wife at home. Of course, in prison he would get more sex and at least three meals a day.

President Barack Obama urged banks on Saturday to make loans to small businesses. Banks have no choice because there are no big businesses left anymore.

Google is launching a feature that allows your facebook friends to see what you searched for online. I bet you my friends won’t bring their teenage daughters anymore when we get together for dinner.

Megan Fox said that she doesn’t think men approach her for an intellectual conversation. Duh! Like we approach Janet Reno because she is sexy.

President Obama declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency. Obama encouraged everybody to take precautions like wearing surgical masks to cover their mouths all the time, especially if you are Rush Limbaugh or any anchor at Fox News.

Meghan McCain turned 25 on Friday. It was a beautiful party, there was cake, a piñata, and she brought the balloons.

A Malaysian woman who gave birth on a plane minutes before it landed will get free flights for life along with her child. Fortunately for her, she wasn’t flying a US airline, because they would have charged her for the baby’s ticket.

A Malaysian woman gave birth on a plane minutes before it landed. She was 5 months pregnant, but the Northwest Airlines pilots flew past their final destination…

According to a new study, keeping a medium-sized dog has the same impact in the environment as driving a 4.6l Land Cruiser. Isn't that amazing? Who would have thought that Michael Vick would do more to end global warming than Al Gore....

According to university officials, six Harvard University medical researchers were poisoned after drinking coffee that was laced with a chemical preservative. And you know that a bunch of rats they always use to test stuff were high fiving each other.

Charmin is offering a job which will pay $10k for five weeks to someone who wants to entertain people that are using a public restroom in Times Square and then blog about it. Why would they offer so much money? Larry Craig would do that job for free.

Charmin is offering a job which will pay $10k for five weeks to someone who wants to entertain people that are using a public restroom in Times Square and then blog about it. Mmm… this smells like a load of crap.

NFL referees are rumored to be getting helmets in 2010 for safety reasons. Unfortunately, so far, no news on getting glasses.